There will be a vacant room available November 1st in my house. We are located in Oakland just up the hill from the east side of Lake Merritt. The house is a beautiful Victorian mansion built in 1890 that was broken up into units. Our unit takes up the entire top floor. There is a large kitchen, large living room, huge parlor/art space, all with nice furniture. The living room has wood paneled walls, the parlor has a gas hearth, there are chandeliers everywhere and lots of other unique and antique details. There is a porch out back with stairs that lead down to the large shared yard which includes a carriage house and an outdoor fireplace/Chiminea. There are three bedrooms in this unit.

The available room is a decent size, about 12x12 and has two good sized closets. lots of beautiful daytime light. There is a bathroom between this room and Kristin's room, it is the only bathroom in the house. This means that this room is the default access to the bathroom for me, (since i live in the room off the kitchen,) and guests. However this hasn't seemed to be a big issue for anyone living in this room. Due to this detail the room is available for a mere $450 per month + utilities and deposit. (utilities are electric and wireless internet, usually totaling about 20-25/month)

Kristin, Penelope the cat, and I live here presently. Tina sews and Kristin makes art in our parlor, and Penelope sees ghosts. This is also a house that likes to throw fancy, elaborate parties with our neighbors who live in the unit downstairs. We are looking for someone who gets along well with us, doesn't incite drama, knows how to take responsibility for their messes and guests and is preferably in their mid to late 20s. Kristen is a vegetarian, and is looking for someone who can be respectful about the amount of meat they cook inside the house, what pans are being used, etc.

If you or anyone you know are interested in this space, please let me know!

I finally called the audition line for the Lusty Lady. They say curiosity killed the cat, but this kitty has to find some way to make more money while working less hours, and I've been thinking about this A LONG time anyway. Now I just have to wait for them to call back. Why am I nervous? I get naked in front of people alot...for a girl with so many body image issues, i'm alarmingly comfortable naked. I've been naked in front of strangers, straight dudes, all kinds of folks..SO WHY AM I SO NERVOUS???? oh thats right....it's that 'mom' voice in the back of my head who doesn't approve of 'this sort of thing'..who doesn't view it as legitimate work....its strange when i realize what a conflict this creates in me.... I'm trying to shut this voice off. Its keeping me here at a job I hate, just because it's 'safe'...time to find a different internal monologue.

Wow.....'The Adams' my fabulous housemates, Monster and Bad News Kelly found out today that they get to move into the beautiful downstairs apartment, perfect for budding lovebirds makin' their very own nest! I'm so very excited for them, and also nervous/excited about finding a new housemate! Also, they own pretty much all the furniture/dishes/kitchen stuff in the house....so its time for this gal to go HOG WILD at thrift town....
Things I'll need

*A Couch!

*Some fancy endtables

*a TV!

*More Curtains!

*A Bigger Sewing Table

*Pots/Pans

*Dishes

*silverwhere

*A Microwave (although I dont really need this)

*A Teapot

I know i'll think of more things.....

There is SO MUCH SPACE in my house...its CRAY-ZAY ........

More updates soon, folks let me know if you know of anyone lookin?
xoxo!

sure.....shes a doll, until you get to know her. until she lets you in and then shuts you out without warning. I used to call this girl my sister, this girl who didn't care what I felt, who would twist events into her version of reality, completely disregarding everyone else involved. but that really wasn't the point. the point was that she can never let go of the desire for competition that she once fostered within herself. she always has to be right, she always has to be the best, the one that knows the most, even when she really doesn't. she promised me it was different between us, that we could support each other as artists and performer girls and be best friends and know each others hearts. But then the jealously creeped in, like it does sometimes, turning the things we loved about each other into points of competition, ways for us to one-up one another. minor mis-understandings petty insecurities finally forced us apart...and I was sad, sad that I had lost someone I felt so close to, sad that they couldn't see that we still may need each other. but now, now that she's poaching my ideas, things I've worked on that I've only shared with her, secret dreams that she's now trying to call her own....its more then frustrating, it's.....its.....fucking awful. It's the lowest she could go, the last way for her to really hurt me. But there's nothing I can do....it's not my job to explain to people that beneath her beautiful face there's another girl, one who sees this whole life as a competition, something to 'win' at, while she watches others 'fail'. I know that shes using everyone she meets, viewing them as stepping stones on her way to some 'top' that only she sees. I don't want to view this life that way, force myself to try to measure up to some ideal that was never reality to begin with. I'm not here to compete with the people I love. a long time ago I made the decision to not play that game. I just wish I could let all this go, release it into the universe and know that it's not even about her own karma kicking her ass, cause it's not my job to wonder about that either. So how do i just 'love her somewhere else' as my father says, how do I let all this resentment, anger, hurt, pain, and frustration go?

So I had this very long post written about what happened this weekend, and then I decided that somethings are just better left on paper and then unread. At least for now. I need time to hold it all and really reflect. That being said, I feel like I may have done the thing i needed to do in order to get my life rolling again. It was incredibly hard, incredibly messy, and I hurt, alot. But at the same time I keep having these moments where i stop and realize 'wait, there's a whole community of people out there who I care about, and they keep asking me to come play and telling me they want to see me...what the hell have i been doing avoiding all this lovely?!?!'
I've been letting C make me feel really un-desireable and ugly for a long time....I got so totally caught up in the fact that she wasn't attracted to me anymore...that I started to forget what's really important about what I love about myself....this sounds really self-helpy, but its true. I just replaced what I loved about me with all the things she wanted to change. And it was subtle, so subtle that I almost stopped believing I was anything on my own.
This is what has to change. I was having a conversation with a lovely pink haired friend from my work, and through our conversation I realized that I really do deserve someone who thinks I'm awesome, who laughs at my little girl silliness and doesn't try to shame me for what turns me on.....
We were just so complicated, and messy, and entangled in what we were before. But I can't stay in one place, I never have. So this is me moving, coming back to myself, trying to honor my own process, reading, dreaming.

oh that's it!!!!
FIRST publicity sends me a million orders every day like they're the only one's i'm doing things for (when really, I get paid less then everyone in the building to be a receptionist for THREE companies), and NOW....NOW I've got this girl in publicity who's 3 years younger then me and happened to get her job because shes RELATED to one of the ceos....NOW SHE GETS TO TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I am SO SO SO frustrated right now...THIS IS NOT WHAT I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR!!!!!
FUCK!!!
ok...now that i've type-screamed, I can go to my car and cry.
fuck this job.

My stomach settled quickly this afternoon, thank goodness. Thinking about nourishment, my physical body, self care, rest and the importance of following my gut(s). My grandmother (Fathers side) died of septicemia after her intestines exploded, my father had ten inches of his small intestine removed after the docs found it filled with cancer, his sister's intestinal lining burst, leaving her in a coma for a solid month (surprisingly, she lived). To say that I need to heed what my body, specifically my digestive system, is telling me is a vast understatement.
So today I signed up to take classes at city in fashion and design. This makes me smile, and also makes me very nervous. I'll tell you a secret, at times (alot of times) I am very easily intimidated. Signing up for classes brings me right up against all these fears. My grandmother (mother's side) was a tailor and a seamstress, my mother spent countless hours behind her machine making me clothes, costumes, dresses. I've been sewing/making things with fabric for almost 15 years, but I've never taken formal pattern drafting, never learned how to properly 'drape' or do moulage (crazy system of formulas designed to create slopers and patterns for the body). I have thousands of hours of experience on sewing machines, but i'm still scared that I'll get into classes and wont be any good.
All my mother wanted to do was draw/make costumes for Disney. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was go into costuming for theater, when I was a teenager I wanted to make things for girls like me, people who couldn't find beautiful things to wear anywhere else. Now these things could become possible and it terrifies me.
I just want to spend my life making beautiful things. I guess that's really all I wanted to say.

feeling really, really weird about the photo of her on a certain daddy's motercycle, knowing there is more then a 20 year age split involved...i've never been interested in age or concerned with it, but i dont know if I trust all the motives involved. B knows I know this girl, in fact i'm pretty sure i introduced them when we were all at the bar (that i helped her get into one night)....not sure what to do, there's really no reason for me to say anything, but I keep feeling this big sister vibe towards this femme girl..I see so much of myself in her...argh..what to do....

It's been a month since you died. I still feel you with me, and I feel like you're helping me figure out what happened to you, but now I'm left with no way to prove what I know. How do I prove what he did to you? I fucking hate this.

You turn away from me in the dark again, I roll over onto my side and try to hold what's inside, keep it from spilling out. It's true, you can't compete with a dead girl, and no, I don't think you should try. But don't you dare blame her for this, don't tell me that this is because it's always been her. You've been turning away for months and months now, and I've tried to be patient..I've waited, I've quieted my own desires so you wouldn't have to feel what I carry with me. I was your first, and I know that means something, (i'm just not sure what) but I don't think it's enough to keep us here. You don't want me anymore but you won't let me go.

The first girl I ever kissed, the girl I went to freshman orientation in high school with in our matching collars and black nail polish, band t-shirts and too much makeup, is married to some random shaved head air-force dude. They've both found Jesus. It's terrifying. It's not that marrying some random dude or finding Jesus is that terrifying, it's just....shes so happy with a life that looks so small to me, and I'm constantly wanting something 'more' , and something bigger but I don't know what that looks like, or how to get there. I'm jealous that she's happy with so little when I can't seem to find a purpose at all. And it makes me wonder, what's so different about her and I that she could just be happy with what she has, and I can't? I just can't seem to let myself be happy stuck in an office all day, filing shit for people who don't even think about me unless they need me to let them in the building when they're too lazy to dig through their designer handbags for their keys, or worse yet, the ones who just stand there staring at the door, waiting for me to look up and see that they've been waiting, impatiently.

So I finally had a dream with you in it last night. We were moving your things, you and I. There were alot of people around I didn't know, but that wasn't really an important detail. We didn't talk about anything specific, but you were packing to move and I was helping you. We weren't fighting, but you did tease me about all the 'stuff' I had left in your house, and how I needed to take it now. It was almost like it was a space, a room that we both lived in at some point, the feeling was that the space had been 'ours'. I was putting the last of my things in my car, and I went in to make that final trip to look around to make sure that we weren't missing anything, and the room was empty, and it was ok. I woke up thinking about you but feeling calm. It's the first time I've woken up from sleep, thought about you, and not cried. Thank you. I know that you're ok - I just wish I could see your new place. Still missing you honey, but I know you gave me that last night to help me get through this. I love you.

What do I do with this? Where do I put it? This can't happen, this couldn't happen (but it did). You're gone, I know this because I felt you leave, watched you as you slowly stopped breathing, watched as the person I love left the room, floated up through your body until there was nothing but the feeling of your cold palm pressed against my cheek, those hands I loved, the body I slept next to, sometimes in the middle of the night I'd feel you against my back and imagine that we were one body. I remember holding hands while we slept, I remember feeling that you were the person who understood me best, most fully. I felt you leave your body, I know this because the floor slipped out from underneath me, my vision would not focus. I felt you leave your body but not my life. How can you be here and not here? How can I still feel you near me, how can I still hear your voice? I did not know what loss was until now, I did not know I could contain so much sadness.

There are holes on the pages and in both our hearts, the saddest sound in the world is the quiet at the end of the night, after the applause. We never wanted to go back to being us, especially when being them became everything. Do you drive to the lake after the show instead of going home? Maybe I'll meet you there sometime, and we'll throw all these memories into the water, disturb reflected surface images and peek at whats underneath. The missing doesn't go away, no matter what anyone says.

so you tell me you think I'm the love of your life but you can't bring yourself to fuck me anymore (at least for now?) But you'll go to a play party at Eros for New Years with the chicken hawk because you want to be accepted in gay male space......ok

......I give up. That's it, I'm officially in retreat, this is me crying uncle on trying to maintain any kind of intimate relationship...apparently it's just not for me.

So much has changed in the last few months, i'm not even sure where to start. The biggest cahnge is that I'm moving, and really, this may not even be the biggest change, but its the most signifigant phsyical shift. I can't live in the mill anymore. I love Scottie, and I always will, but she's not my mother and right now I need friends who are willing to not tell me what to do or how I should live..I need choices that are purely mine, situations and experiences I create without a safety net. Everything in my life has been pointing to this change, this moment. I cannot continue to live around her negativity, or Bruno and Oliver's depression...I also cannot live with drugs in such a close proximity, and it feels funny for me to say this, given my history. And I don't even think drugs are 'bad' in a moral sense, and it's not like i'm going to stop drinking, but I cannot continue to go home worried that I'll see Shersha's jeep and know that I'll find her and Scottie upstairs, vibrating on an entirely different level, with an intensity I can no longer share or feel safe around. And I think that's the biggest thing, I no longer feel safe in my own house. The dream of a house I found like a gift from the universe, a gift I'm now walking away from.
Moving also marks the end of a friendship I've been mourning for months now. The moving didn't cause the friendship to end, but deep down I'm sure I knew it would be one of those moments I'd look back on as a the last domino...
So many changes...I never really thought I'd want to 'settle down'...never thought I'd care enough to see something through, even when it gets rough, or I get jealous...we've been falling apart and coming together for years, and I think this time it may stick, and it's terrifying to have the feeling of someone knowing like she knows me, but she does...and I feel like there's more we have to learn from eachother this time around. She said something to me the other night I've felt for a long while now but was too afraid to say aloud...that she was able to just say it so straight forward...even writing this now seems so cheesy, but this is ours, and I'll take it. I want to keep this feeling safe, I don't want to believe my mother when she tells me I can never trust anyone and that I'll always end up alone...I'm not a girl that believes that anymore, at least I don't want to be. ramble ramble ramble.....this is what happens when I'm home in SanDiego and have too much time to think.

Had dreams last night about broken mirrors, woke up thinking about you. "Truth needs a safe space"...We never had that... sometimes I hear things that stay with me.
Found out today that I will be able to go home for the holidays after all... this is the highlight of my day. I need palm trees on the horizon and the pier I used to take for granted...as though it would always be there when I wanted to walk late at night...feeling the beginning of sickness in my chest, I continue smoking anyway.

No really, I get it, you're everyone's favorite flavor of the week. Now STOP NAME DROPPING.
the end.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 5, 2008

Media Contacts:

* Jason Howe
Public Information Officer, Lambda Legal
213.382.7600 x247 Mobile: 415.595.9245
jhowe@lambdalegal.org
* Laura Saponara
Communications Director, ACLU of Northern California
415.621.2493
lsapanora@aclunc.org

Legal Groups File Lawsuit Challenging Proposition 8, Should it Pass

Legal Papers Claim Initiative Procedure Cannot Be Used To Undermine the Constitution's Core Commitment To Equality For Everyone

SAN FRANCISCO -- The American Civil Liberties Union, Lambda Legal and the National Center for Lesbian Rights filed a writ petition before the California Supreme Court today urging the court to invalidate Proposition 8 if it passes. The petition charges that Proposition 8 is invalid because the initiative process was improperly used in an attempt to undo the constitution's core commitment to equality for everyone by eliminating a fundamental right from just one group -- lesbian and gay Californians. Proposition 8 also improperly attempts to prevent the courts from exercising their essential constitutional role of protecting the equal protection rights of minorities. According to the California Constitution, such radical changes to the organizing principles of state government cannot be made by simple majority vote through the initiative process, but instead must, at a minimum, go through the state legislature first.

The California Constitution itself sets out two ways to alter the document that sets the most basic rules about how state government works. Through the initiative process, voters can make relatively small changes to the constitution. But any measure that would change the underlying principles of the constitution must first be approved by the legislature before being submitted to the voters. That didn't happen with Proposition 8, and that's why it's invalid.

"If the voters approved an initiative that took the right to free speech away from women, but not from men, everyone would agree that such a measure conflicts with the basic ideals of equality enshrined in our constitution. Proposition 8 suffers from the same flaw -- it removes a protected constitutional right -- here, the right to marry -- not from all Californians, but just from one group of us," said Jenny Pizer, a staff attorney with Lambda Legal. "That's too big a change in the principles of our constitution to be made just by a bare majority of voters."

"A major purpose of the constitution is to protect minorities from majorities. Because changing that principle is a fundamental change to the organizing principles of the constitution itself, only the legislature can initiate such revisions to the constitution," added Elizabeth Gill, a staff attorney with the ACLU of Northern California.

The lawsuit was filed today in the California Supreme Court on behalf of Equality California and 6 same-sex couples who did not marry before Tuesday's election but would like to be able to marry now.

The groups filed a writ petition in the California Supreme Court before the elections presenting similar arguments because they believed the initiative should not have appeared on the ballot, but the court dismissed that petition without addressing its merits. That earlier order is not precedent here.

"Historically, courts are reluctant to get involved in disputes if they can avoid doing so," said Shannon Minter, Legal Director of NCLR. "It is not uncommon for the court to wait to see what happens at the polls before considering these legal arguments. However, now that Prop 8 may pass, the courts will have to weigh in and we believe they will agree that Prop 8 should never have been on the ballot in the first place."

This would not be the first time the court has struck down an improper voter initiative. In 1990, the court stuck down an initiative that would have added a provision to the California Constitution stating that the "Constitution shall not be construed by the courts to afford greater rights to criminal defendants than those afforded by the Constitution of the United States." That measure was invalid because it improperly attempted to strip California's courts of their role as independent interpreters of the state's constitution.

In a statement issued earlier today, the groups stated their conviction, which is shared by the California Attorney General, that the state will continue to honor the marriages of the 18,000 lesbian and gay couples who have already married in California. A copy of the statement as well as the writ petition filed today is available a www.aclu.org/lgbt, www.lambdalegal.org and www.nclrights.org

In addition to the ACLU, Lambda Legal and NCLR, the legal team bringing the writ also includes the Law Office of David C. Codell; Munger Tolles & Olson, LLP; and Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe, LLP.

The National Center for Lesbian Rights is a national legal organization committed to advancing the civil and human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people and their families through litigation, public policy advocacy, and public education. www.nclrights.org

Lambda Legal is a national organization committed to achieving full recognition of the civil rights of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender people and those with HIV through impact litigation, education and public policy work. www.lambdalegal.org

The American Civil Liberties Union is America's foremost advocate of individual rights. It fights discrimination and moves public opinion on LGBT rights through the courts, legislatures and public education. www.aclu.org

Founded in 1998, Equality California celebrates its 10th anniversary in 2008, commemorating a decade of building a state of equality in California. EQCA is a nonprofit, nonpartisan, grassroots-based, statewide advocacy organization whose mission is to achieve equality and civil rights of all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) Californians. www.eqca.org

- 30 -

Halloween is officially my favorite holiday....so in honor of all things spooky and wild, here's a glimpse of my favorite haunted spot in SanDiego, Mission Hills Pioneer Park, formerly known as Calvary Cemetery...


....Click on the picture for more pictures....

Pioneer Park Ghosts
To sleep, perchance to dream
By Andrea Rustad

One would think the movie “Poltergeist" would keep people away from Pioneer Park in quiet Mission Hills. In the day, a park, beautifully resting next to an elementary school, children play, families picnic, frisbees are tossed. Yet at night it becomes very quiet. The street light shines over the grass so that the outlines of the graves that remain can be seen.

The history of Pioneer Park is long as the park is young. It starts in 1874. Smallpox has taken many of the population of San Diego. The first Catholic cemetery, known as El Campo Santo was full, with San Diego and its harbors being a popular destination for gold and silver prospectors or those seeking an idyllic climate, a new cemetery was necessary and urgent.

THE BEGINNING

Joseph S. Mannasse gave 10 acres of land to the City for a new cemetery. 5 acres for Catholics and 5 acres for Protestants. Father Ubach, who came to San Diego in 1866 and ministered both the Mission de Alcala and St. Joseph's Church at 3rd and Beech, with the backing of the parish of the Immaculate Conception, took possession of the building and negotiating of the new cemetery. The name was Calvary Cemetery, but soon became known as Calvary Catholic Cemetery, as the Protestants never seemed to occupy their share.

The beloved priest fought for the rights of the underdog, the Native Americans and the poor. Father Ubach became known widely to the world as Father Gaspara in Helen Hunt Jackson's novel, Ramona. He took up permanent residence at Calvary Cemetery, March 26, 1907, some believe he still looks after the grounds.

From 1880 to 1920, the Catholic portion of Calvary Cemetery in Mission Hills was used regularly and almost exclusively as a cemetery for San Diegans. Many of San Diego's early founders, pioneers, and members of San Diego's old Spanish families were buried at Calvary Cemetery. During this forty year time period, it is believed that between 1,600 and 2,000 people were buried there. The final total is estimated to be 3400.

The Protestant section of the cemetery was never used as a cemetery, and on April 12, 1909 it became Mission Hills Park. After Ulysses S. Grant Elementary School was built in 1914 next to the cemetery on land once owned by Kate Sessions, the Protestant part of Calvary Cemetery, Mission Hills Park, was used as a playground for the school.

THE CEMETERY BEGINS TO DIE

No funds were ever put aside for this lovely part of history, and as in all things it fell into ruins. In 1920 they stopped selling plots, the winter eroded the names and children threw eggs at the gravestones because of a myth saying that it would make the person buried there come back to life. On November 26, 1938, Calvary Cemetery was rededicated with a solemn mass with a small amount of money dedicated to cleaning up the cemetery. An adobe wall was built around the graveyard to deter motorcycles from driving through and destroying the park.

In 1941 a caretaker was hired, but given no funds for maintenance. Though dedicated and he did his best, he eventually moved on and the cemetery fell to greater ruin than before. In 1950, one resident, Albert A. Gabbs, stated, “Even the ghosts would be afraid to go there at night.” On March 16, 1960, Rose Wilson Mallicoat became the last permanent resident of Calvary Cemetery.

THE GHOST UPRISING

In 1969, the cemetery was closed and a park was declared in its stead. After much controversy, in 1970 the new park was almost complete. The headstones were to be moved to a peaceful respite at Mt. Hope cemetery, when in reality they were discovered dumped in a ravine at Mount Hope Cemetery 18 years later. During those 18 years, no matter how beautiful the park was in the daytime, at night, paranormal and ghostly things continued to occur. It became a “test of bravery" to walk through the park at night, there were rumors of animals disappearing. Many would say they saw ghostly figures digging in the graveyard or entering the wooded canyon surrounding the park.

Little did anyone know, that even after the gravestones were discovered in the ravine, further gravestones and gravestone pieces would be found in the park, in the canyon and just under the surface of the playground, even in backyards surrounding the former cemetery.

A memorial was set up in 1988 of a small group of headstones at Mount Hope cemetery to honor those who were tossed aside and forgotten.

On February 22, 2000 the City permanently determined that Pioneer Park/Mission Hills Park be “SET ASIDE AND DEDICATED, DONATED AND RESERVED TO THE PUBLIC FOR USE AS A PUBLIC PARK.”

Things became quieter; at night spirits are still seen and felt, but not digging and desperate, but reverent and curious. Is Father Ubach still watching over those that can no longer speak for themselves?