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Vice Palace!

Vice Palace! by rubyvixen83
Vice Palace!, a photo by rubyvixen83 on Flickr.

Vice Palace!

I'm fat. This is not a value judgment meant to criticize or evoke sympathy. Don't tell me I'm not. It's a part of who I am, how the world sees me and how I choose right now to identify. I was not always physically fat, even though as an eating-disordered teen I thought I was. I was no where near fat in high school. I did not know this at the time. I did not realize that the body I had wasn't stared at because it was fat, didn't fit into tiny-kid clothes because it was fat, that boys were nervous around me not because I was fat, but because I had measurements that most porn stars envy (yes this is a generalization to present a picture, there are fabulously hot fat porn stars and I know this). This is not a value judgment either. At the time I had no idea what I actually looked like, but only how I felt. And I felt fat. At the time I hated it, threw up whenever possible, burst blood vessels in my eyes and lost my voice for 6 months, gave myself acid reflux for the rest of my life because I felt fat and hated it. But this is not about any road to recovery, and there are more complicated things at issue here/something more to it then that.
My two closest girlfriends in High School were fat. Actually fat. This is also not a value judgment. I gravitated to them because I saw myself in them. I saw myself and also the girl I wanted to be when I met them with their green/blue/purple/blond hair, junkie brothers in rock bands, awesome cd collections and poetry as tortured and teenage epic as mine. They were the coolest ladies around (and we went to school with 3000+ kids, no joke). I loved the picture we presented together...because it's easier to feel like a fat teen if you've got some awesome badass ladies around you....
So we grow up. We move, we go to school or don't. Graduate or don't, get desk jobs or don't. And some of us got skinny, finally shed the baby fat/got on meds/got off meds/got to the gym...and hold our new skinny bodies up on a pedestal as the ultimate goal and reward of that tortured teenage fat girl past, finally got to feel the wind between our thighs and wear the sleeveless tops we always wanted (This is a simplification meant to illustrate a picture)
In reality, I dropped about 10 lbs, and wore a size 12 which on me looks 'skinny'. But then I went away to college and went on and off meds,and gained about 60-80 lbs (at my heaviest).

That was around 5 years ago. But here's the thing...I'm still fat now. Actually fat. (again, not a judgment) But the ladies I loved so much as a teen kept their skinny prize bodies (weather by genetics, meds or gym) I'm not complaining. I'm also not saying it's always easy to be the bad ass beauty that I am and love my body no matter what every minute, cause that wouldn't be real) And this shit is real. But here's where I get angry. The girls I loved so much who stayed skinny - They've erased the girl they were. It's like we never existed.
'I don't know if I want to be associated with'.....save it. I will always want to remember you as we were. Call is nostalgia, cliche, whatever...But that girl we were, she still exists for me. She's in a special secret place that the boys who date you and the friends that envy you now cause you're thin won't ever know. Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. But it gets lonely sometimes, and I get mad when you act like it never happened, because even though we hated ourselves at the time, knowing you had my fat girl back made me strong. And I'm plenty strong on my own, now, but it hurts to feel like you gave in.
Feeling competition I never signed up for stirred up from ladies who don't really know me. My favorite clown told me to throw myself into work instead of obsessing about things like this, about girls who don't know me and their opinions of who they think I am. Why am I worried? Am I afraid she's powerful? Because she has more pictures of her smiling with people then I do? What the hell does that even mean anyway? Because I feel maligned by her assertion that crystal trumps acrylic every time, making me worry that my shine is dime store next to hers? Why does it even matter? If I didn't have to work a full time job to pay off student loans and support myself I could spend all day hand beading things too, and I know that none of this is real, none of it actually matters except to show me what I feel I might be missing. No, this isn't for you with the scorpion tail. The little girl inside me wants to pull her hair and point out that I was here first, but I'm not going to, because I know how that would look. What if we all just started telling each other how we really feel? She said 'if she hated me i'd know it' well, I guess I got my answer after all.
There is a distance we cannot cross. Different then the distance between us and the bridge to that bright island she showed us, but just as complicated. I want to reach out to you. I want to help breathe warmth back into your hands but it is impossible. It's not my place and we're not those girls anymore. Stagelights were always brightest next to you.

Sep. 14th, 2010

The sun is shining, it's beautiful out. I'm about to go nap in my car. I keep thinking to myself, I do not understand people anymore... I've given up on trying to understand the long ago friend, that's past and gone, nothing to be done but face each other in silence when we meet at the show tonight....I know I'll keep seeing our names on bills together for a long, long time. I've accepted that. There's something though, about the red-headed amazon I thought was my friend...I opened my house to her for her birthday, toasted her birth to champagne bubbles, booked her for shows, introduced her to friends....now all the sudden she can't be bothered to respond to a simple hello... I'm confused and sad, not sad like with the others who were closer, but more let down because I don't know what I could have done to cause such avoidance... and if she's not saying anything then that's that. Do I risk bringing it up and be accused of causing drama (again)? I guess it's easier to just walk away. Sometimes these back stages feel like the best sorority in the whole world, sometimes they feel like the worst parts of high school all over again.....
Why are breakups between friends the hardest? And why do I miss you when I know you can't be trusted?

Aug. 24th, 2010

In your mythology you are the girl with a glass heart and I am the girl with a hammer. In my mythology I was the girl who fell in love with something she'd never be (you) and you are the scorpion poison I kept drinking anyway. Sometimes I wonder if any of the things you said were real. All the proclamations of sister hood and open roads, but these are stories you tell to anyone to get them to stay. I suppose I'm no better, playing mother (my mother?) and letting you nest in my heart, upset when you wouldn't let me care for you but don't children always grow up, and away? You speak in code to new soft arms who will mother you better then I ever could, and I get sad because the pictures of us all have the tint of something lost long before the film developed. It's easy to love something so beautiful, and so poisonous.

Jul. 27th, 2010

my urge to self destruct is creeping behind me. it follows everywhere, not so silent, it's slimy and mean faced and full of my doubts. "just light it all on fire and run, better yet, go in the back yard, pour the lighter fluid on yourself and light a match"....that's what it keeps telling me. They wanted to see me cry; always the pleaser (my mother taught me how) I oblige them. Holding myself tight under blankets, salty water on my face while the world spins out of control, away from me.
settling down into myself again. reflecting..not surprised that i feel like i'm getting a chest cold....time to release. having good conversations with women wiser/older then myself, they help.

Room for rent in divided Mansion

There will be a vacant room available November 1st in my house. We are located in Oakland just up the hill from the east side of Lake Merritt. The house is a beautiful Victorian mansion built in 1890 that was broken up into units. Our unit takes up the entire top floor. There is a large kitchen, large living room, huge parlor/art space, all with nice furniture. The living room has wood paneled walls, the parlor has a gas hearth, there are chandeliers everywhere and lots of other unique and antique details. There is a porch out back with stairs that lead down to the large shared yard which includes a carriage house and an outdoor fireplace/Chiminea. There are three bedrooms in this unit.

The available room is a decent size, about 12x12 and has two good sized closets. lots of beautiful daytime light. There is a bathroom between this room and Kristin's room, it is the only bathroom in the house. This means that this room is the default access to the bathroom for me, (since i live in the room off the kitchen,) and guests. However this hasn't seemed to be a big issue for anyone living in this room. Due to this detail the room is available for a mere $450 per month + utilities and deposit. (utilities are electric and wireless internet, usually totaling about 20-25/month)

Kristin, Penelope the cat, and I live here presently. Tina sews and Kristin makes art in our parlor, and Penelope sees ghosts. This is also a house that likes to throw fancy, elaborate parties with our neighbors who live in the unit downstairs. We are looking for someone who gets along well with us, doesn't incite drama, knows how to take responsibility for their messes and guests and is preferably in their mid to late 20s. Kristen is a vegetarian, and is looking for someone who can be respectful about the amount of meat they cook inside the house, what pans are being used, etc.

If you or anyone you know are interested in this space, please let me know!